Caffeinated
by Quinndolynn
Summary: What happens when you get Teyla and Mckay wired on caffeine...TeylaMcKay fic Not to be taken seriously! (parallel story to "Changing the Rules")
1. Starbucks

Title: Caffeinated

Summ: TeylaMcKay, not to be taken seriously!

Rating: PG13-ish

AuthorNote! There's more than one! This fic was written by me (Quinnie the shipper) Aiylithe, who's the only one of us who watches SG regularly, and Splorchy who doesn't watch the show and has no interest in shippiness. Why is she one the authors? ::shrug::

Disclaimer: We don't own Stargate. No Duh...

Neither Teyla nor McKay could sleep. That's what happens when you drink fourteen cups of coffee.

Each.

At least he has something to do, Teyla thought as she watched McKay scurry around, playing with his machines. Why did I let him give me...

She thought for a moment, trying to remember the name.

Coffee, that's it, Coffee.

"It's just like your morning tea," he had explained, placing a steaming mug in front of her. She stared at it suspiciously then looked up at him skeptically.

"Among my people it is customary to drink caffeinated beverages in the morning, in order to prepare ourselves for the coming day," she explained patiently. "It's nighttime."

But McKay had insisted, assuring her that she would like this strange, new beverage. And she did, almost as much as the conversation. McKay was a surprisingly good conversationalist, and they'd had a very long discussion as he'd patiently tried to explain the significance of a mysterious place called Starbucks. No, he'd said again and again, it has nothing to do with the gate.

She, in turn, had told him with tales of the tea ceremony when, on a person's sixteenth birthday, they rise early for the first time, to take part in adult work and drink the bracing tea of her people. The conversation had gone on for hours, hence the fourteen cups of coffee.

Now hours later, Teyla reflected on where all the coffee had come from. She seemed to remember McKay complaining about supplies running low. But that had been an eternity ago, and now Teyla was so wired on caffeine she could have sworn she saw the ghosts of the dead Ancients walking. She forced herself to keep still, and watched McKay flit around like a housefly, listening politely to his explanation of something technical, but not really hearing him. She tipped her head back and looked up at the high ceiling of the shuttle bay, wondering what time it was. Realizing that McKay was going to keep talking whether she was listening or not, she wandered over to help him work.

"Don't touch that!" he exclaimed, slapping up a roughly rectangular crystal she had picked up, out of her hands. She arched one eyebrow at him, but he had already turned back to his workstation. Sighing, she perched on a stool behind him, and fiddled with a bit of wire.

"Hey, can you hand me that?" he said, gesturing to the wire she was holding.

"Of course," she said and handed it to him. He took it quickly and attached it to an open control panel on the side of the ship. The panel lit up and hummed when he finished fiddling with the wire.

"Ah, thank you, much better," he said to no one in particular. Then jumped back into Teyla as the control panel sparked, singing his jacket. Teyla stood up, examining the jumbled electronics.

"Does it drink coffee, too?" she asked, in a haughty air. McKay stared at her funny and started off in a long, drawn out rant about how machines cannot use coffee as an energizer, as it would merely undermine their ability to function, and it'd be electrocuted anyway, and- it went on, and on, and on.

"McKay, do be silent." And she slumped her arm over a chair, eventually collapsing into sleep on the floor of the shuttle bay.

Obviously, this murky substance was not to be trusted.

TBC...


	2. Special Brew

McKay looked at her with some concern. He hadn't really considered what the effects of caffeine would be on a system that had never known its effects before.

Apparently it wasn't good. He looked around. Unfortunately, everyone else had retired hours ago.

There would be someone on duty of course, but they had learned long ago to ignore any caffeine-fueled late-night requests from McKay.

Grumbling incoherently, he hauled Teyla to her feet and prepared to stagger up the stairs.

"Where am I gonna take you?" he muttered to himself, unsure of where her room was from the shuttle bay.

"I've been here for so long, you'd think I would know my way around by now!" He dragged her to his room and put her down on the floor, covering her with a blanket. "There we go!" He pushed a pillow under her head and then went back down to the shuttle bay to finish his work.

But when he returned to the shuttle bay, he found himself unable to concentrate. Finally packing up his equipment he turned out the lights of the shuttle bay and went back upstairs. Flipping on the light he just managed to avoid tripping over the arm that Teyla had flung out in her sleep. He stepped gingerly over her and sat on his bed, growing more and more concerned as he watched her still form.

"Um, Teyla?" He shook her gently. At least she was breathing. Really, the coffee wasn't that strong, unless...

He picked up his thermos and upended it in panic. A single, dark, drop plopped gently onto Teyla's forehead. He inhaled deeply, and then cursed. It was his special brew, part of the secret stash he'd smuggled from earth. This was the coffee that had made Sheppard wheeze and gasp for ten straight minutes when he'd swiped a sip. He'd only stopped when Weir made a pointed comment about the Wraith being more deadly than a cup of coffee.

And he'd given fourteen cups of it to Teyla. He ran for the communicator on the wall.

If Dr. Beckett wondered why Teyla was lying unconscious on the floor of McKay's quarters he gave no sign. Instead he went about his business in his usual calm and professional manner.

"What the hell did you give her?' he screamed.

Authors' notes

V. short chapters we kno! If people review we'll write longer ones! -Quinnie

Forgive the horrible grammar of my co-author. She did most of the writing, so she gets most of the credit, but please, can you ever see Teyla and McKay together? So funny. I love this idea, WooHoo Quinnie! –Aiylithe

Hey! Who you calling of the grammar bad, you non-grammar-knowingishof-person?!?

-Quinnie

Okay? See? That just proves my point. No more long comments now, just read the story, Darnit! -Aiylithe


	3. 3 in the morning

McKay fiddled nervously with his Ancient palm pilot.

"Only the most volatile substance in the universe," he muttered quietly. Not quietly enough.

"You gave her vodka?!" Beckett asked incredously, his voice rising an octave.

"Well, it does have similar properties," McKay admitted. Beckett's eyes popped from his sockets. Fortunately Sheppard poked a disheveled head into the room at that moment, most likely saving McKay from a horrible fate.

"It is three in the morning," he informed them calmly. "Explain yourselves." He caught sight of Teyla. "Why is Teyla lying on the floor of McKay's room?" he wanted to know.

McKay broke out in a cold sweat. "Well...I..uh..."

Sheppard looked at Beckett. "Do I want to know the answer to that question?"

Beckett glared at McKay. "He drugged her!" he accused the scientist.

McKay blanched. "I did no such thing!" He said defensively.

"Children..." sighed Sheppard, "Am I going to have to separate you?" He disappeared in disgust to find Weir. Beckett and McKay were left glaring at each other over Teyla's limp form. Thankfully Sheppard returned fairly quickly with a wide-awake Weir in tow. She immediately took charge and ordered Teyla to the infirmary. McKay and Sheppard trailed after her.

Once Teyla had been settled in a hospital bed, Weir looked to Beckett. He shrugged. "As far as I can tell she's in a very deep sleep. Stayed awake too long. She'll be fine when she wakes up. Might have some hangover symptoms." Beckett shot McKay a dirty look. McKay slumped down in his chair. "No more coffee," the doctor instructed him sternly. "Got it?" McKay nodded.

"Well that's great news," Sheppard said, springing up from his chair, "I for one am going back to bed."

"I'll stay with Teyla," McKay quickly volunteered. Beckett nodded, and waved good night to everyone.

"Well, since I'm up I think I'll get some work done," Weir said. Sheppard followed her out of the med bay.

McKay drew his chair over to Teyla's bed, and watched her for several minutes. Once he was assured that she was in fact sleeping (He never entirely trusted Beckett) he let his eyes drift shut.

Some time later he was awoken by the sound of a beeping machine. He opened his eyes to find Teyla, groggy, but awake, watching him intently.

"Uh, hi," he said, quickly sitting up and running a hand across his mouth to rid it of any traces of drool.

"Good morning," she said in return, "You didn't have to stay you know. I would have been perfectly fine."

McKay shrugged. "Well, y'know, I feel this is my fault." He jumped to his feet, his guilt flooding back in full force. "Do you need anything? A pillow perhaps? Or, I could bring you some breakfast."

"Thank you, but I've already had my morning meal," she said graciously. McKay jumped at this. How late was it? Ten already? "So are you feeling better?" he asked with concern.

"Yes," she said with just a slight amount of annoyance shading her voice. "I am fine."

"Hey Teyla," Sheppard greeted her. "Feeling better?" Teyla looked ready to scream. "If it's okay with you, I think I'll just take McKay and make sure he eats something," Sheppard said pleasantly, firmly steering the scientist out of the infirmary.

Teyla nodded in relief.

"Do you think she's mad at me?" McKay asked Sheppard anxiously, as they sat at a table supplied with their MREs.

"Who? Weir?" Sheppard asked.

"No, Teyla," McKay hissed at him.

"Teyla. Nah, she likes you. She doesn't get mad at you." The major said reassuringly. His eyes narrowed. "Do you like her?" he asked.

McKay's mouth dropped open.

"You do don't you?" Sheppard said, his face contorting as if he were trying not to laugh. "You should ask her out. You're both civilians, dunno if Weir would be cool with it or not."

"Is that why you haven't asked her out?" Mckay shot back, grabbing at any opportunity to turn the conversation away from Teyla.

Sheppard's spoon froze halfway to his mouth. "Who?" he asked, feigning ignorance.

"Weir." Sheppard dropped his spoon on his tray, splattering them both with freeze dried tomato sauce. He swore, then swore again as he caught sight of Weir in the doorway. Mckay followed his line of vision and smirked.

Ah, can't write more! Must go!-Quinnie


	4. Threats

"Don't like her, eh?" McKay asked wickedly.

"Of course I don't like Weir," Sheppard said, looking disgusted. "She's way to uptight."

"Then why are you hiding?" McKay asked sensibly. Sheppard ignored him in his frantic attempts to scrub tomato sauce from his shirt and hide behind McKay. Finally Weir disappeared from the doorway, not having seen the major. Sheppard breathed a sigh of relief.

"If you must know," he told the scientist, knowing that of he didn't McKay would hound him till his dying day, "She's, um, not too happy with me at the moment. I kinda told her off for working too hard, and she kindly told me where to get off. Wasn't fun, I thought I'd give her time to cool off."

McKay felt guilt well up in his stomach again. If it hadn't been for him none of them would be tired and cranky.

"So anyway," Sheppard continued, "What are you going to do about Teyla?"

McKay sensed the fruitlessness of denying everything. He leaned forward and told Sheppard, "If you tell anyone, I'll...I'll..." He stopped and blinked madly in frustration. "I'll stab you with my fork!" he finished lamely, holding up the flimsy plastic utensil.

Sheppard put a look of mock terror on his face. "Gosh, McKay," he said sarcastically, "You really now how to strike fear in the hearts and minds of us simple folk. The Wraith don't have anything on you."

McKay glared at him. The man just couldn't turn off his cocky attitude, could he?

"Look, there have been a lot of people wondering if normal rules are gonna apply now that it seems we're stuck here," Sheppard told him soothingly. McKay wasn't surprised to hear that, but he was skeptical that anything would come of it. "If you want," Sheppard offered reluctantly, "I could raise the issue with Weir. When she's not about to bite my head off" he added hastily as he saw McKay's eyes light up.

Teyla had been immensely relieved when Sheppard had gotten rid of McKay. She understood his concern, but she could only stand so much mothering. She'd slept very peacefully, awakening only once to the sound of Weir and Sheppard having one of their heated discussions. Now though she was sorry for having been so impatient, and she was determined to find him, apologize for her behavior, and thank him for being so kind. Perhaps she would ask him to join her for a cup of tea.

TBC...

Lo! Now our stories are more or less (mostly less) even. Please review! I...need...reviews...Quinnie

Yes, victory! I have successfully turned my friend into a review-zombie-fiend-thing. Yes! She's bugging me now... -Aiylithe.

No author note for me; I had no input. How ironic it is that this exists. -Splorchy


End file.
